This is a tough post for me to write, but a very important one. I have put it off for a very long time because I did not feel ready, because I was not stable enough mentally and emotionally to write it. Why? Because… Until the year 2017, “ghosts from the past” were still very much shaping some of my mental, emotional and physical health patterns.

Early trauma

I went through trauma in my childhood and teenage years which I was ashamed to share amongst family and friends at the time, and which I tried to hide as deeply as I could… little did I know. There is NO hiding from trauma. These events continued to take a hold of me throughout my adulthood, particularly around January (a month with a number of personal tragic “anniversary” dates). Bullying, various form of sexual abuse, surgical and dental procedures, accidents, fear of losing a loved one are the main traumata that I’m talking about.

Attempts at healing

I had attempted on several occasions to heal these wounds from the past, embarking on a journey of personal self-discovery, reading books, starting yoga and meditation when I turned 30, trying to identify the cause of my skin problems, separating from toxic relationships, even changing career orientation and doing a number of seminars to find my true self. All this helped, but not enough. My foundations were wobbly and there’s no point building anything on wobbly foundations. So I searched… between 2003 and the end of 2014, I found some very good support… and yet it was not sufficient to reinforce the foundations.

Yoga and running became a big support to be fully present in my body in the moment. My involvement in the English speaking theatre group the Hamburg Players re-introduced me to my affinity to artistic endeavours from 2006 onwards and I met my beloved Martin through this vibrant group of people.

Motherhood

In 2010, I became a mother to my daughter Charlotte. Her birth shook some of my foundations further: a less than ideal birthing process where I was wounded in my deep feminity, my initial lack of confidence in being able to soothe and protect her, the difficulty that I had in being available 24/7 to this little person, lack of sleep and private space brought me quite near post-partum depression. But the wonderful support of Martin, the support of my friends who were in the same boat as new parents, and understanding health professionals helped me to get over some of the tough times.

Touching darkness

In 2014, with a 4-year old daughter and a concerned partner, I found myself going through a darker period over a few months where I started to self-harm. A short corrective therapy brought me in contact with some of my unhealthy patterns and collective trauma topics that were very relevant to me. At the recommendation of my therapist, I read an eye-opening book “Wir Kinder der Kriegskinder” (“we the children of war children”) in German by Anne-Ev Ustorf which introduced me to some of the wider family-related topics and helped me see that I was not alone with my troubles. A number of them were transgenerational and also societal trauma.

From then on, I was even keener to take my own healing in my hands, to do the “shadow work” that was necessary. I registered for a three-year personal development course, Timeless Wisdom Training by the spiritual teacher Thomas Hübl, only to realise, with Thomas’s support, during the first week of training, that this was not my path… What was much more helpful to me was to reconnect myself to nature and to art to help process these traumata, to reconnect to the present moment and grow my roots into the here and now.

During that critical week, I noticed when removing tiny plants from the zen garden at Hof Oberlethe, one by one by hand, even the smallest, tiniest of weeds, had the deepest network of roots that I could ever have imagined. And I only had superficial roots, not strong enough for such intensive shadow work. Art-making, doodling, drawing my healing became my lifeline. I felt connected to the universe at a deeper, more essential, natural level. I needed to grow my own roots, reinforce my foundations.

The Artist’s Way

A couple of weeks later, while working in London, a strong intuition brought me to enter Waterstones, the bookshop on Trafalgar square, a few minutes walk from the office in London, just before closing. I was all of a sudden on automatic pilot, I entered the shop, went downstairs, pulled by an invisible force and walked all the way to the personal development section, to find myself picking out of the bookshelf a book called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron – a 12-week “Course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self”. Bingo! Lightbulb moment. The light came on in the darkness that I had found myself in. I started the weekly exercises straight away and discovered that this was my path! I’d been an artist all my life and did not know it! I was starting to feel even more connected and grow roots.

Brave Intuitive Painting

January 2015 – As synchronicities happen when you start opening up to the universe, I then had a life-changing chance encounter with intuitive painting thanks to Katrin, an acquaintance from the Timeless Wisdom Training. There was this quote at the bottom of Katrin’s email: “The world is in vital need of authenticity, integrity, connection, and self-expression – Flora Bowley.” It was on 25 January 2015, I’ll never forget this date. I needed to find out straight away who Flora Bowley was… so I googled her name and came across a video by this amazing American artist, who was painting a wonderful canvas with a mesmerising song as soundtrack. Here was Flora painting. Intuitively. With no plan before starting on her blank canvas. How inspiring! And on Flora Bowley’s website, I found out that she was offering a 6-week online course called “Bloom true”, a course to learn about Brave Intuitive Painting, starting that day! I signed up.

I instantly knew that this was what I was looking for. With Flora as a gentle guide, throughout these 6 weeks, I discovered a new language through painting, which allowed me to finally express myself without using words, to feel true to my heart’s deepest desire: to be an artist. This course started to connect me with something bigger, deeper than me. With the ever-present Light or Inspiration or God or Source or Intuition or Creativity or whatever you want to call it. This thing that connects us to Life itself.

The deep feminine

Following up from this course, and connecting ever more with my intuition, throughout 2015, I had a number of online encounters with empowering women, connecting me with my long-ignored deeply feminine side. From the “Rising Women Leadership Jumpstart” by Nobel Peace Prize nominee Scilla Elworthy to the course “Awakening Your Shakti” by Lisa Schrader through the Shift Network. Over the months, I felt deep down my feminine side flourish, I finally bloomed in my motherhood, I connected deeper to my belonging to this earth. Finally I started to feel more rooted and grounded. This continued with more encounters that I made through Flora.

I developed my own core values of Love, Clarity, Trust and Shakti (Amour Clarté Confiance and Shakti), with the support of Danielle Laporte’s wisdom from her book “the Desire Map”. You can read more about this here.

I also came across the sassy, unbelievable, energy bundle businesswoman Marie Forleo whose motto is “keep going after your dreams, because the world needs that special gift that only you have”. Thanks to Marie Forleo, I was encouraged to start with this website and blog. I finally accepted to call myself an artist and to share my work with the wider world, posting on Facebook my first blog entries and getting positive feedback on my art.

In 2015, I started to sing again that year, more than ever, and to take singing lessons with my wonderful teacher and “voice mother” Anne Heeg. I started to regain more of my life force and felt ready to tackle whatever was coming up.

More pain!

I felt ready to heal deeper, particularly after a freaky bike accident on my way to a singing class which left me in June 2015 with pains in my shoulder… The accident made it tricky to raise my left arm, I was sometimes in pain when raising it to paint on the canvas. Nothing was broken but I started to feel more and more pain despite physiotherapy as the months passed. I could not lift my daughter in my arms anymore.

Slowing down to feel the pain

Christmas 2015 and the end-of-year holiday gave me a lot of time to paint. Everything slowed down for a little bit. And I started to process some of the hidden deeper feelings. The anniversary date of some of my family and personal traumata came up in January 2016. I also recalled the horrible Bataclan attack from November 2015. I felt my helplessness, my “Weltschmerz” (a German expression meaning a kind of anxiety caused by the ills of the world).

I processed my feelings through painting, felt the deepest emotional pain I ever felt until then. Fear and anger at first, sadness, followed by the deepest self-compassion that I had experienced. These paintings were very transformative for me. I realised then that painting was truly part of my spiritual path and allowed deep personal healing. The five paintings which resulted #33 to #37 from this period were particularly key to me (I’ve written about them here…)

Deeper transformation

In July 2016, the diagnostic finally came after the pain was getting stronger and stronger: the tendons in my shoulder had been partially torn with the accident and I needed an operation to repair them. To prep up for this operation and put all the chances of a speedy recovery on my side, I began to take a course on nervous system regulation in October 2016. This was yet another critical encounter – this time with Irene Lyon, whose signature online programme Smart Body Smart Mind helped to reinforce my wobbly foundations before and after the operation.

Somehow I knew that something was transforming more deeply inside. From Spring 2016, I had started to get hot flushes and bouts of insomnia, combined with the pains in my arm. I was slowly moving into pre-menopause and my hormones were playing crazy. Slowly? Well heck no. From October 2016, no more monthly bleeding. Goodbye to the chance of having another baby. My body went into its winter mode. Menopaused at 44. Mourning this phase of my life as a woman.

The aftermath of my operation

My operation in November 2016 shook me more to the core, as the full anesthesia from the operation brought me to a state of unconsciousness- a state which meant high danger for my whole body – as I was raped while unconscious as a student in the 1990s. After the operation, not only was I recovering slowly, but there was also a series of family stresses, hospital stays of my big brother, my father, my mother and sister-in-law. January was approaching and I started to get flashbacks from my sexual trauma and get more and more insomniac and mentally unstable. I had a sense of dread early January 2017 and I finally collapsed of exhaustion the day after my little Charlotte’s 7th birthday.

Keep feeling the light

From that day, I could no longer hide the shame and all the pain that I had tried to keep inside. I told the truth to my family about my biggest trauma, no big words, just the truth – amongst rivers of tears. I went to my doctor, I phoned a helpline for rape victims, I went to the women’s advice center, I looked for a therapist, I joined a series of group seminars to deal with my anger led by the amazing Helga Krantz and Stefan Rieß, I took one step at a time, one little step every day or every week if it felt too much on a daily basis. I felt my fear, I felt my helplessness and shame, all the lies that I had told myself and others in the years past. I felt useless. But… I was lucky to be able to feel the little light inside which was telling me to keep going. Without the love of my beloved Martin, and the presence of my daughter Charlotte in my life, I may not have kept going.

I contemplated on a few occasions taking a step towards the platform when the underground train was approaching. Luckily Something held me back. What was it? An invisible thread, the ever-present Light amongst the Darkness, my core values of Love, Clarity, Trust and Shakti? … I’m so grateful for whatever prevented me from going over the edge then. And I became determined to continue to live, even through the pain and the suffering, because there’s so much beauty in this life to cherish and protect and be grateful for. Throughout 2017, I’ve become a true Warrior or Peacekeeper of Light. I’m no longer a victim.

My healing network

I’ve found a fantastic trauma therapist with the help of my gynaecologist. I’ve received the time off work from my doctor that I needed to deal with the plethora of psycho-somatic symptoms, insomnia, bronchitis and other ailments that plagued me throughout 2017. I’ve found and I’ve kept the fire going, my will to heal is stronger than ever.

I’m taking responsibility for my healing process. I’m re-building my foundations from the bottom up. I’ve opened the Pandora box of trauma and am doing my Spring cleaning, cleaning up the past and finally landing little by little in the here and now, no longer burdened so blindly by the old patterns that have held me back until now. I don’t feel alone.

I opened up about my depressive episode on my private Facebook page in May and received so much love and support back from my friends, from people dealing themselves day after day with their own depression. I’ve felt courageous, vulnerable, humbled and more human all at the same time.

I’ve set up my own healing network through 2017 and I feel so grateful that I can afford financially to get this medical, mental, physical and spiritual support. My therapist, my doctor, my employer, my superiors, my colleagues, seminar companions, friends and family, all contributing in their own special way. It takes a whole village to raise a child, the saying goes. It takes a whole village to help a human being heal from trauma, I feel.

I’m determined to do my share to heal myself, and to help heal those around me too. Leading by example if I can. My dream is to help heal the earth… one human being at a time – starting with yours truly… otherwise how can I help others heal if I don’t know how it goes myself?…

Painting for healing

I’ve painted my healing since January 2016, more consciously. I’ve painted for others to heal their own trauma, with intention. I’ve painted the healing of special friends who are open to it, who have seen in me an ability to connect with the energy of the universe, to call for their own healing and bring forth their potential through my paintings. I feel blessed to have been allowed and to be able to do so when the circumstances feel right – when I feel stable enough, rooted and in sync with the universal life energy. Feeling the Light.

What next?

I’m keen to embark on my new phase of healing, reintegrating the workplace on 15 November 2017. How I’ll be able to be my whole self under these new circumstances is up to me. Only time will tell. I want to have the courage to show up as I am and not pretend or “keep appearances”. I’m longing for authenticity in my life – professionally and privately.

What I know now is that I’m determined that January 2018 will have a whole new feel to it, be a true renewal and a reason for celebration – from now on, January will be the month I’ll celebrate the fact that I spoke up, I faced my shame and I dove on this very deep healing journey through trauma therapy, physical therapy, self-reflection and more art-making.

May my paintings be an opportunity for you to see that healing is possible, to feel the deep underlying life force and joy that is inside me, inside each one of us, may the outcome of my art-making infuse you with the positive energy and aliveness that I feel while painting. Immerse yourself in my paintings and know that you are loved as you are.